If You Only Knew Read online

  If You Only Knew

  A TRUST NO ONE NOVEL

  DIXIE LEE BROWN

  Dedication

  Dedicated to my best friend, Candi, who has encouraged me every step of the way.

  Contents

  * * *

  Dedication

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  An Excerpt from All or Nothing

  An Excerpt from When I Find You

  About the Author

  By Dixie Lee Brown

  An Excerpt from All I Want for Christmas Is a Cowboy by Emma Cane, Jennifer Ryan, and Katie Lane

  An Excerpt from Santa, Bring My Baby Back by Cheryl Harper

  An Excerpt from The Christmas Cookie Chronicles: Grace by Lori Wilde

  An Excerpt from Desperately Seeking Fireman by Jennifer Bernard

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Prologue

  * * *

  Kalispell, Montana

  6 Weeks Ago

  “YOU’RE A THOUSAND miles away. You okay?”

  Rayna turned when she felt his hand on her arm and looked into Ty’s sparkling green eyes. His obvious good humor made her smile in spite of the sadness that weighed her down, but she sensed immediately that he’d said something she’d missed.

  She studied his familiar face. It was strong, yet folded naturally into a smile more often than not. His slightly crooked nose, high cheekbones, and perpetually stubbled cheeks, together with his tall, muscled build gave him the appearance of a tough guy—a bad boy. Technically he was, but not to her.

  His grin faded and concern took its place. “Hey, what is it?” He swept her hair behind her ear and cradled her chin in his fingers.

  Rayna breathed deeply and stepped back enough to pull free of his touch before she met his gaze again. “I need to talk to you.”

  “I’m listening.”

  She glanced around. “Not here.”

  She’d just finished a workout in the bunker that served as their gym on the compound where Joe Reynolds’s band of mercenaries lived and trained. She and Ty were both members of the team, and as such, each took their training quite seriously as was fitting for measures that might possibly save one’s life. If only they’d stuck to their training and not let things get personal.

  Ty took a quick look over his shoulder, as well, and then caught her arm and pulled her around the side of the gym where a group of trees provided shade and created an atmosphere of privacy.

  “How’s this?” His crooked grin alerted her to his mischief just before his hands circled her waist and he pushed her against the building.

  Soft, warm lips met hers gently, sipping and coaxing until she opened for him in spite of her resolve. Good Lord. Didn’t she have any control? She braced her arms against his chest and shoved until he raised his head.

  Concern again furrowed his brow. “Okay. Talk to me.”

  This wasn’t the scenario she’d had in mind, but if she didn’t get this out it was going to kill her. The direct approach was all she had. “I’m leaving day after tomorrow.”

  He kissed her forehead. “Yeah? When will you be back?”

  She tensed and hesitated for a second. “I’m not coming back.”

  Ty stopped and took a step away, his puzzled gaze seeking hers. “What?”

  Rayna ducked under his arm and put some distance between them so she could think more clearly. “I’m returning to school, and I won’t be coming back.”

  This was harder than she’d imagined. In her private moments, she’d been able to convince herself he wouldn’t be hurt by her leaving—that he wasn’t all that attached. What they’d shared was mostly friendship . . . until recently anyway. Shoot, they hadn’t even slept together, although that was her idea, not his. At least now she wouldn’t have to find the words to tell him she was the world’s only living dinosaur—a twenty-three-year-old virgin.

  Ty swung around and hooked his thumbs in his pockets. “It’s been almost a year since your brother was killed. You have to let him go, Rayna.”

  Trust him to cut right to the heart of the matter. He was always so kind and patient. How would she ever survive without him? That was the reason she had to leave. She had to get away from him. Somehow fall out of love with him. That way, if something happened . . . if he was tortured and killed in the same hideous fashion her brother Charlie had been, losing him wouldn’t be the end of her world. But it might already be too late to stop loving him.

  “I did let Charlie go. Now, I have to get on with my life. He gave up a lot so I could afford an education. I need to honor his wishes.” Tears prickled behind her eyelids. She couldn’t let them fall—not while Ty watched.

  Not daring to look away as his eyes darkened with the emotions that slid unmasked over his face, she swallowed hard and tried to keep her hands from trembling.

  A muscle in his jaw flexed. “Am I missing something? What about us?”

  “You’ve been a great friend, Ty. I’ll never forget you, but there’s no us beyond that.”

  “Where did this come from?” The disbelief in his voice stung her. “How many missions have we been on together? You love it . . . and you love me too. I see it in your eyes.”

  She shook her head. “This life was what I needed after Charlie died. The discipline. The danger. But that’s not what I want for the rest of my life. I have to get out before I’m stuck with his life—with your life. If you care about me at all, you won’t ask me to stay.”

  Rayna couldn’t let him know her fear was for him. If he knew, he’d pull out all the stops to change her mind. The only way to convince him was to make him believe she didn’t want him anymore, or the dangerous life they both lived. Charlie would have understood and forgiven her for using him and the schooling he’d wanted for her as an excuse.

  Unfortunately, she hadn’t counted on the sheen of moisture in Ty’s eyes that wrenched at her heart.

  “You asked me to wait . . . to give you time to grieve for Charlie. I waited. You asked me to slow down, so I put our friendship ahead of how I feel about you. I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked me to do.” He paused, looked away, and drew a deep breath. “Why would today be any different?” With that, he strode toward the front of the building, turned the corner, and disappeared.

  Chapter One

  * * *

  Los Angeles, California

  Present Day

  THE SENSATION WAS back. The one that crawled over her skin like a tiny troupe of marching ants and set up house in the pit of her stomach. Rayna Dugan had no patience for portents or intuition, and she wasn’t about to give this . . . this feeling any credibility. The tension that had jumbled her nerves into one gigantic ball of apprehension all afternoon would not get the best of her.

  She stepped into her small apartment, closed the door behind her, and tossed her packages and books on the closest chair. What a day. W
hose idea was it to sign up for five classes her first term back at UCLA? And Speech? Really . . . just shoot me now!

  To top everything off, she’d let her friend, Vivian, talk her into a night out on the town. Rayna had regretted it the moment the words were out of her mouth. First, she’d had to shop for something appropriate to wear, so now that she’d arrived home, she didn’t even have time to grab a bite to eat. She had only thirty minutes to change in order to meet Vivian at a pub across campus.

  Rayna dropped her keys on the counter that served as her dining area, grabbed the bag with her purchases, and strode to the bedroom. There was no getting out of it now, so she might as well put on her happy face. She set her jaw determinedly as she removed the day’s apparel and slipped into her new black dress and stockings, grateful she’d donned her black bra and panties this morning. The snug-fitting dress hugged her in all the right places, flared slightly at the waist, and ended abruptly at mid-thigh. Long, lacy sleeves wrapped her arms in elegance from shoulder to palm. A satisfied smile hitched the corners of her mouth as she stepped into four-inch heels and rotated slowly in front of the mirror.

  She should be looking forward to a night of fun. What was wrong with her? It wasn’t every day she splurged for a new dress. Her favorite shoes caressed her feet and made them appear at least two sizes smaller than they actually were. She cleaned up pretty good for a cash-strapped, nerdy college student who’d spent every waking moment of the last six weeks with her face in a book. Tonight should be a welcome break—so why was the idea of going out where she might actually meet some new people raising her anxiety level into the danger zone?

  The fabric swirled just above her knees as she turned in place, and the soft swish brought back memories of a time when she always dressed to flaunt her long legs and slender figure. Even at the relatively young age of twenty-three, it seemed like a lifetime ago—before Charlie was killed.

  The foundation of her life had crumbled that day. A familiar longing tugged at her heart. God, she missed him. Add her nostalgia for a home that wasn’t even hers and the dull ache she experienced whenever she thought about Ty, and it was no wonder she was struggling to fit in at UCLA, where almost everyone she knew lived to party.

  She drew herself up straight and squared her shoulders. It would do her good to feel sexy for a change.

  Her recently cut shoulder-length blond locks curled Shirley Temple–like next to her cheeks and left a lot of skin exposed around the neckline of her dress. Too much? Had she crossed the line from sexy to slutty?

  Maybe she should change.

  Don’t even go there. It had been hard leaving everything she knew behind and starting over, but she’d accomplished that much. Whether she was happy with the choices she’d made or not, for the first time in her life, she had no one to answer to.

  She’d softened the harsh peroxide blond she’d adopted after Charlie died, choosing a softer, golden blond instead—the color of summer wheat. She ran her hands through her hair for the windblown effect, drew a tube of passion plum gloss over her lips, and stared down her reflection.

  Graduating from college and going on to medical school had been her brother’s dream for her. It used to be hers, too, until he died. Rayna had dropped out of school and sought out Joe Reynolds in Kalispell, Montana. Joe had been like a brother to her from the time Charlie introduced them when they both returned from Afghanistan. For the last year, Joe had been the one to protect her when she got in over her head, and he would never have considered withholding a thorough dressing-down when she messed up. She loved him for that . . . and so much more.

  Joe led a small team of highly trained men and women and contracted with U.S. government agencies for missions they were uniquely suited for. In his spare time, he trained people in the practical art of self-defense and survival. For nearly a year, she’d soaked up everything he would teach her. Under his guidance, she’d become an expert sniper and learned to kick ass with the best of them. Talents every red-blooded American girl should have.

  Now she thought of Kalispell as home . . . the people there her family, and she missed them all like crazy, but especially Joe’s wife. Cara was Rayna’s best friend and confidante, and she could really stand to see her about now.

  That was the reason she was having trouble adjusting to her new life. Her head was still there in the secluded training facility, with Joe and the rest of his team—and the one man who still held her heart. Ty Whitlock.

  She wrinkled her nose and crossed her eyes at her reflection in the mirror, then a self-conscious laugh bubbled free. She’d always considered herself a fairly smart girl, but she’d sure made some dumb choices lately. When fall term was over, though, she’d fix the worst one. She’d make things right with Ty—if he’d listen.

  Rayna wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Their last conversation still rang harshly in her ears, his green eyes rightfully filled with accusation. If only she could have taken back her words after they spewed from her mouth, but it didn’t work that way. His pain and bewilderment haunted her, but worse yet was his stoic acceptance.

  After one final inspection, she turned away from the mirror. Tonight, she’d promised herself that she wouldn’t dwell on past mistakes. She was off to a rocky start.

  Frowning, she shook her head and tossed her curls into further disarray. A squirt of rose and magnolia fragrance hung in the air for a second before she stepped into the soft mist and let the moisture kiss her throat and shoulders.

  Rayna couldn’t shake the feeling this evening’s plan was a mistake. She and Vivian had hit it off immediately on their first day of biology class, but it was obvious her new friend liked to party, leaving her studies to suffer. She’d been after Rayna to join her—to get out and meet people—for weeks. Unfortunately, Vivian had finally caught her in a weak moment.

  She glanced up as the doorbell rang. Who could that be? Had Vivian decided to pick her up so Rayna wouldn’t have a chance to change her mind? That would be just like her. Rayna slipped into her sweater, grabbed her purse, and crossed the two-room apartment to the door.

  Hand on the knob, she stopped and peered through the peephole. At first, she didn’t see anyone, but as she continued to stare, a man, dressed in black, stepped from the hallway to the right and moved closer to the door. He was somewhat familiar, but Rayna couldn’t place him. His unassuming smile exaggerated his dark good looks.

  “Who is it?”

  “My name is Andre. I live in the building. I am sorry to bother you, but my car will not start and I was hoping to get a jump.” He turned and smiled at the peephole. “You and I are apparently the only people in the building who have not already left for the evening.”

  Of course. She’d seen him in the parking lot once or twice recently. He had a nice smile and a delightful accent. Russian?

  “I promise you will not get your hands dirty. I will do all the work.” He grinned hopefully.

  “Well, sure. I’m not in a big hurry to get where I’m going anyway.” Rayna swung the door open and stepped toward the counter for her keys. “Let’s go.”

  His gaze swept over her, and the smile slowly disappeared.

  Something in his demeanor made her stop. He hadn’t moved, and the way he stared at her sent a chill snaking down her back.

  “Take her.” His words were cold and clipped.

  Two black-clad men appeared from either side of the door and surged through the opening. A jolt of fear shot adrenaline through Rayna’s veins and she stumbled back. Suddenly, she wanted as much distance between herself and these creeps as she could get.

  “What do you want?” She had nothing worth stealing, and the next-obvious answer made her blood run cold. They wanted her.

  Andre stepped across the threshold and closed the door. “Do as you’re told and you will not be hurt.”

  Seriously? There was a line right out of a B-grade movie if she’d ever heard one. The dark intensity in his eyes dispelled any remaining doubts of his intent. Realit
y slammed home. Three thugs had just forced their way into her apartment. Whatever they wanted, it probably wasn’t good.

  Finally, the hundreds of hours of training Joe had insisted upon pushed to the forefront of her mind and gave her a sense of confidence. Calm washed over her, momentarily halting her body’s automatic flight response. Her survival could very well depend on what she did in the next few seconds. Three-to-one weren’t insurmountable odds, but two-to-one would be better. She had the skills to do something about that. If they wanted a fight, she’d give them one.

  Abruptly, she picked her spot in the center of the small room and stopped retreating. She tossed her purse aside and assumed a defensive stance, legs spread shoulder-width apart, arms bent at the elbows and ready. On autopilot now, she concentrated on the enemy’s movements and forced herself to breathe.

  Once she stopped her backward motion, the men eyed her warily. One of them grabbed her arm. She resisted the urge to fling off his hand, waiting for him to step close before she raised her knee with every ounce of strength she possessed and slammed it into his crotch. The air whooshed from him but before he could recover, she jammed her four-inch heel into his instep. He doubled over with a violent curse, and she brought her knee up into his nose. A satisfying crunch preceded a shriek from the man as he hit the floor.

  The second stranger was a little slow, but he finally figured out his partner was getting his ass kicked by a girl and rushed forward to lend a hand. Rayna dropped down and caught his ankles with her legs, knocking him down hard. He dragged himself up, still somewhat dazed. She jumped to her feet, kicked one leg high as she swung around in a circle. Her foot struck his jaw with such force his head whipped to the side. He slumped to the floor and didn’t move.

  Her gaze swept the room and stopped at Andre as he reached inside his jacket. She didn’t wait to see if he had a gun. Another burst of adrenaline started a dizzying rhythm in her chest. She fled to the bedroom, slammed, and locked the door. Her semiautomatic was here somewhere, smuggled in against the rules. What had she done with it? Was it in one of the boxes she still hadn’t unpacked? Her nightstand? The closet?